| ai...exams starting tomoro...need to revise...but found something interesting that will make my post longer...must post...
For the first time ever, here you have the original script, which the Wachowski brothers never released. Many people died trying to get it. Enjoy!
Morpheus and Trinity and the crew of the ship that rescued them ponder over the fate of Neo and Bane. They are joined by the crew of Niobe’s ship.
Medic: Neo seems to be in the Matrix, only he’s not in the matrix.
Bane seems to be ok. Although he was the only survivor aboard his ship, and although he is the number one suspect in its demise, there is no reason not to trust him. We will just wait till he wakes up, and I’m sure he won’t do anything rash.
(phone rings)
Seraph: Morpheus, Trinity, come see the oracle now
Morpheus: Hey, I thought only humans could call up the real world from the matrix
(cut to slick looking train station, Neo wakes up lying on the floor)
Little girl: I am a cute little girl
Father: Our purpose is to demonstrate how programs can be kind and gentle, and exhibit human characteristics. The fact that we are Indian makes us even more endearing to a western audience.
Neo: Yeah, that accent is really cute. But if you’re like us, then you can’t be the real enemy.
Father: hmmm good point. The whole humans vs machine epic battle thing sort of falls apart here. Well, the best I can do is tell you how bad the Merovingian is. He will do as the villain for now.
(Oracle’s home, enter Morpheus and Trinity)
Morpheus: Hey, what the hell happened to Gloria Foster??
Oracle: Unfortunately, she died, so they needed a replacement. To fit in with the plot, there should be a good explanation for my change in appearance, but the Watchowski brothers have screwed up somewhat here. So all I can say is I changed for no apparent reason.
Morpheus: Man, that’s pretty lame
Oracle: Anyway, you must go see the Merovingian to free Neo. He’ll tell you how to get to him.
Morpheus: Oh yeah, just like he was reeeeeeal cooperative in handing over the keymaker. You know, you really made an arse out of me; in the first film I was so cool, everyone thought I was this great and wise person, but you twisted the whole plot around and made everything I said look really stupid.
Oracle: Look Morpheus, the plot requires you to see the Merovingian. I’ll tell you what, you can take Seraph with you. Now move your butt!
Morpheus: Yes Maam.
(Morpheus, Trinity and Seraph approach a hardcore nightclub guarded by big tough evil guys. They proceed to kill them)
Evil guys: We are getting our arses kicked, but don’t we look cool walking on the ceiling?
(Our three heroes walk into the nightclub and are met by the Merovingian)
Merovingian: I am just making a token appearance because I signed on for both the second and third movies. I don’t add anything to the story, I’ll just repeat the crap I said in reloaded about cause and effect.
Persophone: And I am only here because of my big breasts and sexy butt – a sure ticket seller
Merovingian: Anyway, lets get this over and done with: catch this train and you can get Neo. Ah, thank God that’s over.
Morpheus: But what if there’s a fourth movie?
Merovingian: Oh shit.
(Neo is freed from the limbo world, and meets the Oracle)
Oracle: I’ve already explained to the audience why I’m played by another actor, so there’s no need to explain it again.
Neo: Ok, I’ll just pretend you’re still Gloria Foster. Anyway, whats the story? The plot is developing in a way that suggests the machines and the matrix are not the real enemy.
Oracle: Yes that’s right. The Watchowski brothers have made more twists in this series than you will find in a packet of twisties. Unfortunately, they have tried to be just a little too clever, and the plot is so complicated now that the storyline has lost site of the whole good vs evil premise that made the first movie so successful. So to salvage this mess, they have had to present to the audience a new master villain.
Neo: Smith? Oh no problem, I beat up like 1000 of them in reloaded.
Oracle: Beware Neo, the transformation of Smith into the archetypal villain is complete. The audience will no longer appreciate his superior acting skills and witty dialogue, since he has now become a hysterical maniac. Consequently, his fighting ability has dramatically improved.
(Cute little girl meets Oracle and Seraph)
Oracle(to cute little girl): Quickly, go with Seraph so that Hugo Weaving can make his entrance.
(Seraph and cute little girl run into Smith)
Smith: I am the only half decent actor in this movie, so the best I can do is transform as many people into me as possible.
Seraph: Yes, and you may as well start with me. I came into this film with such expectation after my awesome fight with Neo in reloaded, but my fighting here has been so lame and disappointing.
Cute little girl(to Smith): I’ve heard you are a bad man
Smith: hmm, better turn you into me before you start to become obnoxious.
Smith(to Oracle): You are a poor replacement to Gloria Foster. I’ll do the audience a favour and turn you into me.
(The humans plug out of the Matrix and are back in the ship)
Captain: OK, enough video games, now how are we going to save Zion?
Neo: I know, how about I drive a ship into the heartland of the machine world for no apparent reason!
Niobe: That’s a great idea, here take my ship. Meanwhile, I will drive this ship through an impossible passage back to Zion.
(enter Bane)
Bane: How do you like my Hugo Weaving impersonation?
(Bane kills Medic)
Everyone: Oh my God, Bane is the bad guy? We would never have guessed with a name like that!
(Bane smuggles onto Neo and Trinities ship, and fights Neo)
Neo: Oh Bane, why are you doing this!
Bane: Don’t you know who I really am? I’ll give you some clues: I killed you in the first movie, I say the word “inevitable” a lot, and I call you “Mr Anderson”. No idea?
Neo: no
Audience: Its Smith you dipshit!
Bane: Oh come on, starts with S…
Neo: err, no sorry
Bane: Oh for God’s sake, here I’ll just blind you with this electric thing so you can see who I really am with your 6th sense.
Neo: Smith! Oh, and thanks for blinding me, now I can defeat you in this fight by using my 6th sense power, much like the “force” in star wars.
(Bane dies)
(Niobe delicately sneaks through impossible passage, but hits a rock)
Niobe: Shit. Obviously I can’t navigate through here at slow speed, I’ll try my luck at top speed.
(Meanwhile, back in Zion, the humans are preparing for the machine attack)
Kid (drops ammunition): Oh bugger
Captain: Ah, such incompetence looks like the markings of a hero. Stay with me kid and help me save this city.
(Giant drill crashes into city, followed by a zillion sentinels. A main cannon, and comical looking giant mechanical walkers shoot down the sentinals)
Sentinals: form a straight line so that we are sitting ducks for the cannons.
Lock: Open the door to let Niobe in so that she can EMP the sentinels!
Kid: No worries! (Kid jumps into mechanical walker and runs to door in a hilariously stupid fashion. Opens door, and Niobe EMP’s the sentinals)
Niobe: Don’t we just rock!
Lock: No you stupid idiot, you just took out our defences with that EMP!
Niobe: But you would have died otherwise
Lock: True, but such is the nature of my character that I have to be irritating and a general pain in the arse.
(Neo and Trinity arrive at machine city)
Neo: Follow my navigation since I am blind and consequently have superior perception.
Trinity: They are attacking us!
Neo: Bugger, didn’t see that one coming. Drive above the clouds and into the city
(They enter city, and crash land. Trinity is lying on the floor in a suspiciously terminal sort of way)
Neo: Well you seem ok, lets go chat with the machines.
Trinity: Actually, I am dying. Now I will torture the audience for a few minutes with an awful and clichéd dying speech.
Neo: You know its amazing that you can ramble on for so long when you have three spikes sticking through you.
(Trinity eventually dies, Neo does a token cry, then walks out to talk to the master machine).
Master machine (barely audible): what do you want!
Neo: Why couldn’t we have the architect in this scene? He was so cool, and you are so uninteresting.
Master machine: Yes I know, but the architect is only scripted to make a single cameo appearance at the end. Maybe it was in the contract, I don’t know.
Neo: Anyway, as it has become obvious to the audience, you guys are no longer the real enemy, so it would be prudent for you to let me go kill Smith.
Master machine: ok, here is a terminal you can plug yourself into to go fight him.
(Neo and Smith meet in a nightmarish looking world. Thousands of Smiths watch on)
Smith: Ah Mr Anderson. We arrive at the final battle scene. Given the importance of this battle, the special effects will be grossly overused, and it will ultimately just look silly
Neo: hehe, piece of cake.
(they fight)
Neo: Hey, you’re much better than you were in reloaded.
Smith: Well the thing is, the fight in reloaded, where you beat up about 1000 of me, lost its novelty value after about 5 seconds, so the Watchowski brothers have changed the way we fight. But a normal martial arts fight won’t do either, so we will have to fly around, crash through things and create ridiculous looking explosions.
(they fight, fly around, crash through things and create ridiculous looking explosions. Eventually Smith is poised for victory).
Smith: This is my cue to say some really weird things and sound like an insane maniac.
(after rambling for a while, Smith tries to convert Neo into himself, which he seemingly does. Then, inexplicably, all the Smiths sort of explode).
(Enter the oracle and the architect)
Oracle: Where the hell were you?? The audience was expecting you ages ago
Architect: Well the Watchowski brothers in this movie seemed more interested in creating way over the top apocalyptic scenes, and there wasn’t much time left for profound speeches like the one I made in reloaded.
Oracle: Anyhow, it seems probable that there will be a fourth movie, so you might get your chance then.
The End
Full credit for to someone anonymous who posted it on some forum
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